Monday, December 7, 2009
You have two cows. One cow attends small but respectable liberal arts college in New York, writes home for money and expects to become successful playwright.
One cow is talkative, unendurable. Thinks it is of interest to recount long lists of what happened at market during the day. Not of interest.
Over holiday, first cow attempts to convince second cow to find more progressive use of time than giving milk. Second cow responds by giving first cow a small kick-knack with religious inscription. First cow is an atheist.
You have two cows. One cow is forgetful, frequently claims it is Tuesday when it is not Tuesday. When told actual day of the week, likes to respond, "Well things are just moo-ving along so quickly, aren't they?"
One cow notices this, claims first cow is senile and should be replaced by Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps. You accuse both cows of conspiracy and sentence them to execution by guillotine.
You have no cows. Your wife is suspicious, reports to town doctor that you appear insane. You sell wife at local bazaar at discount price for being disloyal, use the money to buy two cows.
You have two cows. Both give milk and flirt courteously, asking how such a tall, handsome man has no wife. You laugh and offer poor excuse that you are honor-bound to remain unmarried until your brother returns home from war against the English.
On Sunday you go into town to look for a new wife. When you stop to chat with a prospective lady, you notice glimmering specters of two cows standing parallel as your vision clouds red with blood.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Possessing a particular quality that causes one to be reminded of Douglas Adams. Once defined, the word fnoolean is itself fnoolean. Fnoolean sounds like boolean, as in, "It is either fnoolean or not."
Bivest (adj.) To have the desire for alcohol. (like thirst, but specifically for alcohol.)
"I'm so bivest. When is Susan coming back from the liquor store?"
And now the definitions. Let me know if you have any ideas for the words, or if what I'm thinking of is already a word.
To wander aimlessly.
To feel as if obligated to love.
To reduce a situation to a series of logical suppositions in order to attain a false sense of understanding.
To exert to exhaustion without purpose.
To ignore a problem.
To conjoin erratically, in the manner that insects breed.
To mistake an identity.
To ignore out of shame.
To speak with the intent to deceive without actually lying.
To compare the pitch of two musical notes, as in tuning.
To mask one's emotions.
To conjecture without the an intent to come to a conclusion.
To hover in decision-making (I'm pretty sure this word exists but I can't think of it.)
To blame wrongly.
To admire a flag.
To feel excessive remorse.
To buck wildly.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
You have: absolutely nothing.
He is swaggering. There is a keyring attached to his hip.
You distract the gendarme with large, glistening eyes as you slip the keyring into your satchel.
It would probably be better to wait until the gendarme isn't looking.
You travel south down a long dungeon corridor until you reach a small window. There is a tapestry of a wyvern here. There is a corridor leading north and a staircase to the west that leads upwards.
You are standing outside of a dungeon cell. There is a faint, raspy wheezing emanating from behind the cell's solid iron door. It sounds as if whatever is locked in there may be injured.
You attempt to unlock the cell door using different keys on the ring. Finally, you turn one and hear a faint click.
You push on the cell door and it turns slowly. The sudden burst of air awakens the slumbering garflebonker and it staggers out, emitting a loamy yawn for cheesecake. The garflebonker rapidly overwhelms you with its might and exposes its crooked, rusty teeth. You have died.
Monday, November 16, 2009
The sky is scorched. It is impossible to tell whether it is night or day. You are near a small, wooden gazebo. There are several large Hellberry bushes here.
Bright fist-sized blossoms hang in the bushes' dark, dense foliage. These berries must be enormous.
You gingerly snap one off a nearby bush. It exhales a sigh as you tuck it into your inventory.
It's more of an abstract concept, really.
a demonic clavinova
They are extremely poisonous.
It isn't on.
_turn on clavinova
It powers on and runs through a scale.
You flex your hands then draw out a merry ditty. The lilting notes bring you back to gladder times as you recall pleasant childhood memories in which you excel at sports.